


don't call me angel

by revered



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Sad Na Jaemin, idolverse, side noren
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2019-12-22
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,456
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21905620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/revered/pseuds/revered
Summary: jaemin's been lonely. who's he kidding, he's always been lonely. always will be in this small house of his. a house for seven people. but jeno and renjun were too in love to care about their best friend. mark was so, so busy. donghyuck was becoming famous and jaemin didn't want to ruin that and chenle and jisung were too, too young to deal with this.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Lee Jeno
Comments: 3
Kudos: 49
Collections: DreamXmas 2019





	don't call me angel

**Author's Note:**

  * For [](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts).



_ “we’ll always be together, right, hyung?” jaemin asked softly. _

_ “of course. forever and always,” mark replied. _

_ through the hard times, the seven brothers promised to always be there for each other and sealed it with seven bracelets. _

_ that was before the graduation system was confirmed, and before jaemin’s hiatus. _

_ that was 2 years ago; now, jaemin’s realizing how fucking naive he was. _

jaemin ran a hand through his freshly dyed hair as he slumped against the wall of the practice room. he and the rest of the group were practicing and preparing day and night for the release of their upcoming album, we go up. it was only his third comeback with dream, so he wanted to do his best, no matter what. all of them were exhausted, especially mark and donghyuck. jaemin knew his hyungs in 127 were supposed to have a comeback sometime after dream, so the two boys were in the middle of recording for that as well. the idol life was brutal, but the continued support from their fans kept them all going.

it was too much for him, at times. getting little to no sleep, reputations to keep up with, not having much of a personal life, having his privacy invaded every day. he could be the most successful artist out there, but at the end of the day it would catch up with him and weigh him down. he was drowning. 

_ what about your members? ask them for help _ , said the little voice in his head.

_ they’re busy with their own lives, they don’t have time for you. and remember, you signed up for this _ , another voice piped up.

of course, he chose to listen to the latter.

* * *

_ they dyed their hair… comeback???? _

_ jeno ya show us your abs kekeke _

_ RENJUN JENO BROWN HAIR? _

_ haechan-ie, fighting!! _

_ waaaa jaemin is an angel _

jaemin watches the comments come in as soon as they turned on vlive. he lets out a small chuckle; the hats their managers make them wear don’t hide their hair at all. 

he watches as jeno and renjun play around in front of the oblivious fans, watches donghyuck laugh at their antics and chip in every once in a while. an ever-present smile plastered on his face, he turns to read the comments again.

_ jaemin-oppa, we love you! fighting! _

* * *

as soon as his head hit the pillow, he was back in the practice room.

_ are you fucking joking? _ he thinks.  _ i can’t escape, even asleep. _

he watches himself and the other boys from the corner of the room. unable to move his line of sight from the seven boys, he’s completely unaware of what he looks like as he watches. he does, however, feel his imaginary eyebrows rise slightly as he observes himself practicing the new choreography in the mirror. the other six boys sit at the side, sweat dripping down their temples and cold water bottles clutched in their hands.

“take a break, jaemin,” donghyuck calls over his shoulder before shifting his attention back to his conversation with chenle.

jaemin watches his chest rise and fall as he walks over to the lone water bottle at the corner of the room. as he sees himself getting closer, he begins to notice things he can’t see in the mirror. he’s dragging his feet; he looks pale, and he has dark bags under his eyes. 

_ has anyone else noticed this? the members, or even the eagle-eyed fans? is this normal? _

he shifts his attention to the other boys. they look tired, but a different kind. they look like they still enjoy what they do, like they think it’s worth it. 

_ why can’t i feel like that again? _

he jolts awake, feeling numb. he rolls over to check the time on his phone. _8:07 A.M., September 2, 2018._ the day before the comeback. the group has a meeting with their managers later to discuss the plans for tomorrow, he realizes. feeling sick, he drags himself out of bed. he walks into the bathroom slowly, and leans against the counter. he can see it now, the tired look in his eyes. the weight on his shoulders shows.

* * *

it’s been almost two weeks since they released the album. the fans love it, the fans love  _ them. _ they’ve just returned from a performance at music bank; everyone’s asleep, except jaemin.

he reaches under his bed, feeling around for something. after a moment, he finds it and pulls it out: his old journal, from the days of his hiatus. he sits on his bed slowly, opening it up to a new page with a pen in hand. he begins to write.

_ september 16, 2018. _

_ it’s been a while, hasn’t it? _

_ i could say i’ve been doing alright. better than my hiatus, i suppose. _

_ i’ve been feeling sort of empty. as if i don’t know why i’m here, doing this anymore. the other members have so much fun doing this and to be honest, i’m forgetting what that feels like. i want to feel it again. i want to get help, i want to ask my brothers to guide me through this… but i can’t. mark-hyung and donghyuck are just too busy, chenle and jisung are too young, jeno and renjun are too in love. i don’t want to bother any of them. _

_ today, we were waiting backstage to perform and jisung approached me. he said, “hyung, are you okay? we- i, noticed you’ve been a little… down recently, and i wanted to check up on you. if you need anything, we’re here.” he’s such an angel. i laughed it off and told him i was fine. the boy already has to deal with so many pressures at such a young age, he shouldn’t have to take care of me. that’s my job. _

_ oh, one more thing. _

_ yesterday, i fell while practicing. my back… it started aching so badly, i lost my balance. there had been a dull pain for a few days, but i didn’t think anything of it. i got really scared; i just came back from my hiatus, i can’t leave again. we got a doctor to come in. he said i would be fine if i just took it easy. he said it wasn’t anything serious, and the managers told me to take the day off. all the adults left, and then the questions came. _

_ “jaemin, why didn’t you tell us? _

_ “why don’t you talk to us about it?” _

_ i was confused. wasn’t it obvious? jisung pointed out that they’ve noticed i’ve been sort of weird for the past few weeks, and now they’re blaming it on me?  _

_ jeno and renjun specifically, they started acting really disappointed. they said i could tell them anything, that they didn’t understand why i was so closed off. _

_ “i’m sure our czennies have noticed too,” that’s what jeno said. i told them i was sorry for making them worry, and i went back to my room. mark and jisung looked like they wanted to say something before i left. _

_ i just don’t know how to tell them what’s wrong. _

_ but in their own words, i guess they wouldn’t understand. _

_ at the same time, i’m angry at myself. i’ve got so much to be grateful for; fans, brothers, money, my family. why do i still feel like this? _

_ jeno, renjun, i don’t understand either. please help me. _

* * *

the next day, the seven boys stand in a line, waiting for the music to start. the screams of their fans echo throughout the building, the audience a blur of neon green. they get their 5-second cue.

4.

jaemin clenches and unclenches his fists, trying to loosen his body up.

3.

he starts to take slow, deep breaths.

2.

renjun reaches up and squeezes jaemin’s shoulders, letting his hands linger for a moment.

1.

his hands drop back to his sides, and the music starts. 

* * *

‘ _ WE GO UP, WE GO UP! _ ’

jaemin turns his head over his shoulder, his back to the audience as he listens to them scream his name. the lights turn off and the seven boys put their arms around each other, beaming. they take a moment to bow, then go backstage to their staff and managers, who clap and cheer for them as well. they’ve finally finished promotions; now, they’re to take two weeks off and go home to see their families.

jaemin watches the members pull each other in for hugs and playful kisses. mark, who stands in the middle of all of it, catches his eye and motions for him to join them.

_ maybe,  _ jaemin thinks,  _ maybe i’ll be okay. i’ll take my time, and it won’t be easy, but maybe i can love life again. maybe i can  _ live  _ life again. _


End file.
